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Domestic Violence & Narcissistic Abuse

If you are in immediate danger or unsure about your safety, please consider reaching out to a confidential hotline.
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Recognizing the Quiet Signs of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is not always visible.

It is often quiet, subtle, and difficult to name while you are living inside it.

It can take years to understand that what you lived through was abuse and that delay is not your fault. Abuse by design creates confusion.

Domestic violence and narcissistic abuse are often much quieter and harder to name than the world assumes. This page is here to help you understand what you’ve lived through, how it affects the body and mind, and what healing can look like – whether you’re still inside the relationship, have recently left, or are years into rebuilding.

How Common Is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is widespread – far more common than most people realize.

  • 1 in 4 women in the U.S. will experience severe physical violence.
  • Nearly half of women will experience psychological or emotional abuse by a partner.
  • 1 in 3 women globally has experienced physical or sexual violence by an intimate partner.
  • Emotional abuse is the most common and the most minimized.
  • Nearly 3 women per day in the U.S. are killed by a current or former partner.

These numbers do not include women who:

  • Never told anyone what happened
  • Didn’t recognize the behavior as abuse
  • Survived threats, coercion, chronic minimization, or psychological manipulation without physical violence

Most abuse never enters any formal system.
Most survivors never report.
Most simply learn to endure.

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Understanding Coercive Control

Coercive control is now recognized in law and research as the core of domestic violence. It describes a pattern of domination, not isolated incidents.

Coercive control can include:

  • Surveillance, monitoring, or tracking
  • Restricting access to money or resources
  • Isolation from friends and family
  • Chronic criticism or humiliation
  • Control over daily routines, decisions, appearance, or social contact
  • Emotional volatility that keeps you off-balance
  • “Rules” you’re expected to intuit, obey, or anticipate
  • Punishments (emotional, sexual, financial, or physical) when you do not

Coercive control shrinks a person’s world until their sense of freedom, identity, and safety erodes.

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What Domestic Violence Actually Looks Like

Abuse is not defined by the event. It is defined by a pattern of control.

Types of abuse include:

  • Emotional Abuse – Criticism, shaming, belittling, silent treatment, withdrawal of affection
  • Verbal Abuse – Yelling, insults, name-calling, threats
  • Psychological Abuse – Gaslighting, rewriting events, minimizing harm, twisting your words
  • Physical Abuse – Grabbing, restraining, blocking exits, pushing, hitting, destroying property
  • Sexual Coercion – Pressure, obligation, guilt, sex used as reward or punishment
  • Financial Abuse – Monitoring spending, restricting access to money, sabotaging work
  • Technological Abuse – Tracking devices, demanding passwords, monitoring your phone
  • Isolation – Discouraging friendships, cutting off family, eroding community

The unifying theme:
Your world gets smaller.
Your choices get narrower.
Your identity grows quieter.

Why Abuse Feels Confusing

Abuse rarely begins with harm.
It begins with:

  • Idealization
  • Affection
  • Intensity
  • “You’re different from anyone I’ve ever met.”

This is intentional. It builds attachment first, so harm is harder to recognize later.

The Cycle of Abuse

The majority of abusive relationships follow a predictable cycle:

1. Tension building – walking on eggshells
2. Incident – harm, rage, withdrawal, or punishment
3. Reconciliation – apology, softness, promises to change
4. Calm / honeymoon phase – hope, relief, closeness

The cycle repeats.
Your body learns the rhythm.

This is trauma conditioning you – not weakness.

How Abuse Impacts the Brain & Nervous System

Abuse affects the brain’s survival systems:

  • The amygdala becomes hypersensitive to threat
  • The prefrontal cortex (reasoning + planning) goes offline under stress
  • The nervous system oscillates between hypervigilance and numbness
  • The stress hormone cycle becomes chronic
  • Self-trust erodes because your brain adapts to unpredictability

Your nervous system adapts to survive.

What Is a Trauma Bond & Why Is It Hard to Leave?

What Is a Trauma Bond & Why It Feels So Powerful

A trauma bond forms when the same person becomes both the source of pain and the source of comfort. This creates a powerful internal confusion, because your nervous system is receiving mixed signals from one place – affection and threat intertwined.

  • Dopamine is released during affection, attention, sexual intimacy, or “good moments.”
    Dopamine is the neurotransmitter of longing and anticipation. It makes you feel connected, hopeful, and motivated to stay close.
  • Cortisol rises during tension, fear, conflict, or emotional volatility.
    High cortisol keeps your system in survival mode. It also intensifies the relief that comes when the tension finally drops.
  • Oxytocin increases during moments of closeness, reconciliation, sex, or tenderness.
    Oxytocin is the bonding hormone. It deepens attachment even in unsafe relationships.

When these chemicals cycle together (fear, relief, fear, relief)  your brain becomes conditioned to associate the “good moments” with safety, even if the relationship is deeply harmful.

This creates a biochemical dependency, not just an emotional attachment.

  • the apologies
  • the softness after the storm
  • the temporary calm
  • the hopeful promises
  • the moments where they feel “like the person you first met”

Because in the aftermath of fear, those moments feel like oxygen.

Over time, this conditioning can make leaving feel impossible, even when you are aware of the harm. It can also make you feel ashamed for being “unable to walk away”, when in reality, your body is doing exactly what a traumatized nervous system is designed to do: seek stability in the most familiar place it has.

A trauma bond does not mean you are weak.
It does not mean you want the abuse.
It does not mean you’re choosing pain.

It means your system learned to survive.

Leaving an abusive relationship is statistically the most dangerous time, because:

  • Separation threatens the abuser’s control, which is the foundation of abuse.
  • Loss of control often triggers escalation, not relief.
  • Many abusers become most violent when they sense they are losing access to the person they’ve controlled.
  • Violence is about ownership, dominance, and entitlement, not anger or conflict.
  • When the survivor begins asserting independence (emotionally, physically, financially), the abuser may respond with coercion, stalking, threats, intimidation, or retaliatory violence.

This doesn’t mean staying is safer – it means leaving should be supported, not rushed or demanded.

  • Safety plans matter
  • External support matters
  • Confidential consultations matter
  • Community matters
  • No one should be expected to “just leave”

Leaving is a process, not a moment.
And awareness of this risk is part of what keeps women safer.

If You’re Still in the Relationship

You may feel scared, overwhelmed, or frozen.
Your body is making the safest choice it currently knows.

We do not force leaving.
We support clarity, grounding, and safety planning.

If You Have Recently Left

You may experience:

  • Confusion
  • Grief
  • Longing
  • Numbness
  • Self-blame

This is normal.
Your system is reorganizing itself after prolonged stress.

If It Happened Years Ago

You may still notice:

  • Over-giving
  • Collapsing around others’ needs
  • Difficulty trusting your voice
  • Choosing partners who feel familiar

These are not failures.
They are imprints of survival.

Healing remains possible – always.

Myth-Busting: What Survivors Are Told (That Isn’t True)

“If it was really that bad, you would’ve left.”
False. Leaving is the most dangerous time and trauma bonds are real.

“But they never hit you.”
Emotional abuse is more common and often just as damaging.

“You’re overreacting.”
Your nervous system is responding to patterned harm.

“You chose this.”
No one chooses coercive control, it is created through conditioning.

“You’re broken.”
You adapted to survive.

What Healing Can Look Like

Not dramatic.
Not loud.
Not instant.

But steady:

  • Feeling your breath again
  • Listening to your intuition
  • Making decisions without fear
  • Feeling safe in your own body
  • Choosing relationships that don’t require self-abandonment
  • Speaking your needs without apology

Healing is the slow return of self-trust.

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TESTIMONIAL

My work with Suzy Daren changed my life and probably saved my life. I’ve had over a dozen therapists – Suzy is in the top three. I think of her guidance and care almost every day, and I feel how changed I am from the 30-something who stumbled into her office 17 years ago saying I didn’t know how to trust anyone …and then I stayed with her for 4 years.

~ P.J.

read more testimonials

If You’re Wanting Next Steps

If you are seeking ongoing support with others who understand, you can learn more about our 12-week group for survivors of emotional and domestic abuse here:

Rewilding the Feminine

No pressure.
Your pace is honored.

Final Reassurance & Safety Note

You are not imagining the harm.
You are not too sensitive.
You are not overreacting.
You are not “behind” if you haven’t left yet.
You are not failing if you feel confused.
Your body, your reactions, your fears all make sense.

If you are in immediate danger or unsure about your safety, consider reaching out to a local or national confidential hotline. You deserve protection, clarity, and care, no matter where you are in the process.

You are not alone.
And you are not beyond repair.

National (U.S.) Hotlines

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Text “START” to 88788

Chat available online

A confidential, 24/7 resource offering compassionate support, safety planning, and guidance.

1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

Live chat available

Support for sexual assault, childhood sexual abuse, and related trauma.

1-844-7NATIVE (762-8483)

A dedicated support line for Native American and Alaska Native survivors.

1-866-331-9474

Text “LOVEIS” to 22522

Chat available online

A safe place for young people navigating dating violence or unhealthy relationships.

Canada-Wide Hotlines

  • An online map connecting women to shelters and crisis lines across Canada.
  • Website with provincial hotlines, safety guides, and survivor support.

1-800-668-6868

Text “CONNECT” to 686868

24/7 confidential support for young people experiencing harm at home.

1-855-242-3310

Offers culturally grounded support for First Nations, Inuit, and Métis survivors.

1-833-456-4566 (24/7)

Support for those in emotional distress or unsafe situations.

FAQs About Narcissistic Abuse & Domestic Violence

A relationship becomes toxic when you no longer feel psychologically, emotionally, or physically safe inside it. You may find yourself walking on eggshells, anticipating reactions, shrinking your voice, or managing your partner’s moods at the expense of your own well-being. If you feel anxious, confused, depleted, or consistently “not yourself,” these are strong indicators of emotional abuse, not standard relationship conflict. Your body often recognizes the truth before your mind does.

Narcissistic abuse works slowly and subtly. It often looks like criticism that erodes your confidence, sarcasm or contempt disguised as “jokes,” affection that appears and disappears depending on your compliance, or constant minimization of your feelings. Over time, you may notice you apologize more, doubt yourself more, and feel less connected to who you were before the relationship. The most reliable sign is the erosion of self-trust.

A trauma bond is an attachment system shaped by cycles of affection and harm. When the same person creates fear and relief, the nervous system becomes chemically conditioned to cling to moments of tenderness, even inside an unsafe relationship. Dopamine rises during affection, cortisol spikes during fear, and oxytocin deepens attachment during closeness, creating a powerful physiological loop. This is not weakness; it is survival wiring responding to inconsistent safety.
Breaking a trauma bond isn’t an act of willpower, it’s the gradual restoration of internal safety. As your nervous system stabilizes, the urgency, longing, and confusion begin to decrease. Healing involves nervous-system regulation, restoring belief in your own perceptions, building supportive relationships, and creating distance from the cycles that once felt inescapable. Clarity grows as survival mode quiets.
We are often drawn to what feels familiar, not what feels healthy. If earlier experiences taught you that love requires self-abandonment, emotional caretaking, or prioritizing someone else’s needs, your nervous system may confuse these dynamics with connection. These patterns are learned – not innate. With awareness and support, your system can begin seeking relationships where you feel respected, steady, and safe.
Self-abandonment shifts the moment you begin listening to yourself again. This often looks like pausing before responding, checking in with your body, acknowledging discomfort, and allowing your needs to matter. The more often you choose your truth in small ways, the more your inner authority returns. You don’t fix self-abandonment, you unlearn it through consistent self-attunement.
Leaving is the first rupture; rebuilding is the long return. After separation, it’s common to feel grief, longing, confusion, numbness, or disorientation. None of these reactions are signs you made the wrong choice, they are evidence of your nervous system recalibrating after prolonged stress. Rebuilding involves nervous-system support, reconnection to your body, community, and learning to inhabit yourself again without fear.
Yes. Statistically, the period when a woman attempts to leave is the most dangerous time in the relationship. Attempted separation is the strongest predictor of intimate-partner homicide, which is why leaving requires planning, support, and often formal safety measures. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t leave – it means you deserve careful guidance and protection while doing so. Consider contacting a national hotline or advocate for safety planning support.
Healing often happens in small, nearly invisible shifts. It may look like breathing more deeply, sleeping more fully, speaking without rehearsing, or choosing relationships that feel calm rather than chaotic. It’s the gradual return of dignity, intuition, and self-respect. Healing does not require forgetting your story; it means you no longer lose yourself to it.
Self-trust returns as you repeatedly honor your internal experience. Each time you notice a feeling and allow yourself to believe it, without justification or apology, you rebuild the internal bridge that abuse weakened. Self-trust grows through many small acts of alignment, not a single breakthrough moment.
Reconnection begins with tolerable, gentle awareness, not intensity. Notice one sensation at a time: your breath, your hands, your posture. Stay with what feels neutral or grounding. The body opens only when it feels safe, and safety grows through pacing, presence, and compassion.
Internalized patriarchy often shows up as the belief that your needs are “too much,” that being agreeable keeps you safe, or that your worth comes from caretaking, compliance, or sexual availability. Healing begins when you recognize these ideas as cultural conditioning – not personal truth. From there, the work involves choosing yourself in places you once abandoned yourself, allowing anger and boundaries to have space, and surrounding yourself with relationships where mutuality replaces domination.

Look for trauma-informed groups specifically designed for women recovering from emotional abuse, DV, and patriarchal conditioning. The right group will prioritize depth over performance, safety over speed, and nervous-system care over perfection. When exploring options, consider:

  • Is the facilitator experienced and trusted?
  • Is the group size intimate?
  • Does the language resonate with your lived experience?
  • Is the structure clear and supportive?

If you’re seeking a group that isn’t performative or shallow, look for spaces that explicitly name emotional abuse, trauma, and the work of voice restoration.

If you are curious about exploring a space like this, you are welcome to read about our 12-week group: Rewilding the Feminine

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